Accismus
by Lux Remanet
Summary: What is life, if not one irony after another?


a/n: This note is going to be posted on all of my fics because there's an anon out there who continually leaves reviews thanking my friend Cam277 for writing _my fics._ I thought it was a joke at first but this person _genuinely thinks_ this is Cam's account. This is the only way I can get this message across, so sorry everyone who has to suffer through this, but this is a nail that needs to be hammered down. I think all this confusion stemmed from me stating that I've adopted Suisse Garden and Eidolons/L'Cie - two lightis fics that had been scrapped by her a few years back-_which will be exclusively posted on ao3_.

Hi Anon,  
You seem to know Cam's real name and like casually mentioning it in reviews so I can only assume you know her in real life-which is cool. I like Cam277: she's a cool gal. But the way you carry on, throwing her name at me as if you knowing is somehow supposed to make you superior to all my other readers pisses me off. This is _my _work. If you miss Cam so much, as I can _painfully_ tell you do-message her. Her account's in my favorites. Just leave me and my fics out of it. Don't get me wrong though, I like that you enjoy my work. But you know what I'd like more? Being credited for _fucking writing _it.

I'm sure you have a lovely personality-I don't give a fuck. This shit is annoying.

-mic drop-

* * *

_For Cam277_

* * *

**::::**

* * *

'_The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid_, _but he who conquers that fear_.'

Such was the mantra Noctis repeated to himself in his head as the 19th century Umbra townhouse finally came into view. Ignis killed the BMW's engine, then did a full 180 to let his passenger see the apprehension he had been radiating the entire ride over (if the man's purposeful detours the whole ride over weren't obvious enough).

The leather interior was fascinating to Noctis all of a sudden.

"_Noct_." Ignis sounded exasperated.

"_What_."

_Normally_, Noctis would have paid heed to Ignis' words because the man's logic was irrefutable. If life was a chess game then the only person who'd be able to entertain Etro in a match would be him. For Noctis however, today was going to be the exception because Ignis was too close to _her _to be anything _but _subjective. In fact, he wasn't even _supposed _to be here, but given the Lucis King owed him more favours than he would ever _admit_; there was no way the tactician was going to sit this battle out. So there he was in the driver's seat; armed with his usual expression that hovered north of 'I told you so.' Unable to stomach it and the desire to get all this shit over and done with any longer, the twenty-eight year-old, newly crowned King of Lucis grabbed the thick A4 envelope beside him, and unfastened his seat-belt.

_The brave man is he who conquers fear. _

_He who conquers fear. _

_He who _conquers_._

Ignis' vice-like grip on his arm jolted Noctis back to life. His eyes were uncertain. "Noct, maybe it's best if you guys talked—"

"That's why I'm here." Noctis insisted (for what felt like the millionth time today).

"You're not thinking straight—"

"Actually, I think this is the first time I ever have," the king cut in witheringly. "If you recall, none of _that_," he gestured at the townhouse feeling his chest constrict "was ever _my_ idea in the first place so it's really no wonder why everything's been just..." he trailed off, unwilling to finish that sentence as the reality set in.

Four years.

Gone; wasted.

_Stolen._

"Noct—"

"_Ignis_," The smile on Noctis' face felt like someone had plastered it on. "It _doesn't matter anymore_ because I'm setting things straight now. It'll be better for all of us—" he tried to pull away but the man's grip may as well have been fashioned out of iron. "Ignis accept it and _let go_. It's too late."

"No it's not. Don't do this Noct," Ignis said, pouncing as he saw Noctis hesitate. "You're going to regret it."

"Not as much as the years I regret taking away from her. I can't give those back, but I can give her _this_." He flashed the envelope in the man's face. "A fresh start. She deserves it."

"What she _deserves_," Ignis corrected icily as Noctis forcibly reclaimed his arm, "is _more credit_."

Without another word he turned to the front and concentrated on boring holes in the steering wheel. Noctis sighed and got out, taking care not to slam the door on the way out. Ignis was his only ride home, after all. At the last moment Noctis turned and tapped on the glass. He received a death stare before the driver's window finally slid down.

Ignis' gaze remained focused ahead. "Yes Your Majesty?"

The title and stoic tone made Noctis wince on the inside, but he had come too far to give in now. "This is the right thing to do," Noctis told him.

"There's no need for _you_ to get so upset. Come to think of it; _why_ _are_ you anyway? Fucking hell, it's not like she's your-"

A dark shadow crossed the other man's face. Ignis was never one for letting his emotions show, and no wonder, Noctis thought, because the sight invoked an instinctive fear.

_"Wow,_" Ignis said. It was the most condescending tone Noctis had ever heard the man use.

_He must be pissed._

"_What_?" Noctis demanded hotly. "Why are you getting so mad?"

"She's my _friend_."

"And?"

"Yeah, fuck you Noct." Ignis turned his stony gaze to the street.

"Ignis that's not what I-"

"Just go. Do what you came to do."

Noctis sighed. "It's for the best."

"You mentioned that once or twice."

Noctis gave up. "Keep the engine running, okay? This won't take—" the window slid shut "-long," he finished grimly, staring up at the house.

Its three storeys paled in comparison to the sprawling palace he'd grown up in, but at that very moment Lucis' King suddenly felt like the smallest person in the world. He felt even smaller when the door finally swung open and Lightning stood on the threshold, a bemused expression on her face.

"Did you lose your key?" she asked, but her words barely even reached his ears as he took her in. The grip on the envelope he had quickly stashed behind his back tightened to an almost painful degree.

Today was her day off, Noctis knew from their daily routine, and she always used the time to indulge in a bit of retail therapy at the mall just a few blocks down. Gone was the soldier uniform, and in its place; the navy blue with white polka dotted sundress Stella had helped him pick out for her birthday three years ago. In place of the military issue boots were a cute pair of wedge sandals with a heel that emphasized the length of her legs nicely but amazingly did not in the least hinder her ability to hand someone's ass to them. The dress was her favorite item of clothing, Noctis knew- she'd said so every time he asked her why she liked wearing it so much-but he hated the fact that he had needed to see her in it enough times to believe her. And not just the dress, but every other little present he'd gotten her-whether it was for anniversaries or public holidays or 'just because'. There was just too much guilt standing in the way of enjoying her rare smiles after seeing her open them. He didn't deserve them; and more importantly her.

_Four years._

He couldn't steal a minute more; much as he wanted to. And he was a bastard, but he was starting to give in to the temptation as well. Because _God_, just _look_ at her.

She was either a saint or his savior for enduring all his bullshit without much complaint; persevering to make _this_ work without any hesitation whatsoever. Any man in his position would sooner castrate himself than let her go…

Maybe Ignis was right. Maybe he could turn this around.

_No, don't bitch out. _

He had stalled long enough. This was the right thing to do. This was him not being selfish anymore.

_He who conquers fear._

_He who—_

"Hey." Lightning pinched his cheek lightly.

He blinked rapidly. "Huh?"

"What happened, did you lose your key?"

"No I uh…"

"And what's with the ringing of the doorbell business?" she continued, the corners of her mouth tugging. "This is _your_ house too or is that a Lucis thing? Don't tell me _I_ have to do that."

"No you don't, it's not a—"

"Thank God. Still, you Lucii are so _weird_. Anyway, get inside already. You know how Mrs. Wispeln likes to listen in." She turned and started walking. "Just the other day I caught her going through our rubbish. She had the nerve to tell me that since we'd thrown it out, _she _had the right to..."

Noctis stole a glance at Ignis who just shook his head at him, fuelling his anxiety. He ran a hand through his hair nervously. "Hey Light I need to uh…"

"Close the door I think just saw her curtains moving—"

"Light there's something I—"

"I made oysters. Hope you don't mind."

_Again_? "Uh cool. Light—"

"Yeah I've got this 'assessment' for my cooking class coming up and I needed to practice—"

"I want a divorce!"

Long, _agonizing_ silence.

She turned around slowly.

"_What_?" Lightning whispered, soft baby blue eyes hardening into two ice crystals.

Thank goodness for the firearms ban in Lucis, because Noctis knew he was in for it now. If the rumors Prompto had told him about her at the barracks were true, then he had at least three seconds to make his escape and let the lawyers take care of business.

Make that _two _now, because she looked ready to punch his lights out. The engine of the BMW started up behind him. That was his cue.

"Here." He all but shoved the envelope into her arms and began backing away, stumbling on the way down while she stared at him, waiting for an explanation. "I've already signed my half. I'll give you some space and—"

Just as he turned, he met Ignis' vengeful glare, and then the BMW was speeding down the street without him, disappearing around the sharp bend; gone.

"Of course." Noctis muttered.

_Should have seen that one coming._

Lightning cleared her throat expectantly.

He turned, absolutely mortified. "I uh…"

She walked inside, leaving the door open.

"I'll make tea."

Her tone was surprisingly calm for someone who looked close to bludgeoning another someone to death.

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**Part ii.**

Half an hour later they were seated in the living room, Noctis on the couch and her in the arm chair, a blank expression on her face. It wasn't fair of him to spring this on her, he knew, and his tea had eventually gone cold on account of him struggling to find a way to ease into the topic again.

"Just tell me why," she said quietly.

Noctis could not bring himself to meet her eyes, so he settled for her forehead. "This marriage was meant to be symbolic of the alliance between Cocoon and Lucis," he started carefully "but as king I believe times have changed. We are allies now. You and I can still be friends without need for this archaic tradition."

"We can also be friends _while_ married, " Lightning pointed out.

"Yes I know, but…"

"But what?" She frowned.

"But as your friend I want you to be happy." Noctis answered, clenching his hands beneath the table into fists.

Confusion clouded her features as she contemplated this, and in that time he learned to hate himself even more than he already did. Then she finished the rest of her tea and kept her eyes on the table as she set her cup back down—a cup, Noctis remembered to his ever piling shame that was part of a set they had picked out together on one of their shopping trips. Her voice was barely above a whisper when she spoke again. Shock, it seemed, had almost rendered her mute.

"Noct...you really think that I've been…_unhappy_ this entire time? _Honestly_."

This time _he _frowned. "I thought..._weren't_ you?"

She stared at him incredulously. "Do you mean to tell me _you _were—_"_ she paused as she collected the details "_are_?"

"It was an arranged marriage..."

"Of your own volition!"

She was angry now, but Noctis knew it was justified. In the wake of defeating the allies Cocoon and Niflheim, marriage had only been an option to further officiate the Treaty of Bodhum. But Noctis had been younger then, a different person from the one he was now. He had been so eager to prove to his father (Etro rest his soul) that he was ready to do all that was necessary to ensure Lucis' future that he might as well have handcuffed Lightning to that desk until she signed it. Lucky for him, Cocoon had not really been in a position to decline, but there could be no doubt she resented him for it because four years later she never once looked at him the way he did her when she was unaware.

"Yes I _know_," he admitted, returning to the present. "But I'm setting things right. I'm freeing you of it."

His words, which should have been wonderful news only served to worsen her mood, because she was now openly glaring at him.

"What—"

"_Freeing_ _me_," she spat. "Like I'm some fucking _bird_ you've kept locked away? Some _toy_ you've grown tired of?"

This wasn't how he'd been expecting it to go at all. She was supposed to be _happy_, _ecstatic_. This was supposed to be the one redeeming quality she'd see in him for years to come. She wasn't supposed to fight back.

"That's not what I—"

"That's _exactly _what you mean! How is that supposed to make things better!"

"We have nothing in _common_!"

"_Really_, " Lightning replied dryly.

"I don't know anything about you—"

"_No shit_."

"—and you know nothing about me."

"Yeah I'm starting to get that vibe."

"Light, I'm just trying to make this as _painless_ as possible so if you could please just—"

"_Painless_?" she shouted, standing abruptly. The armchair rattled violently against the floor behind her.

"Light," Noctis tried to keep his tone even. "I'm trying to—"

"What _fucking_ part of—" he ducked in time as her cup shattered against the wall behind him "_divorce is not painless'_ has registered into your stupid thick skull!"

"How can it be painful for _you?"_ he shouted back. He did not understand this woman at all. "Four years we've been living together and you're still a complete stranger to me! I don't know what things you like and what you don't like. Some days I'm too afraid to even ask! You know why? Because you're a cold and borderline unfeeling bitch!"

She crossed her arms, practically speaking through her teeth now. "'Lightning what do you like?' Five words. 'Lightning what don't you like?' Five words too. Or did I miss the clause in our marriage contract where it says I have to be psychic? You know, if that's your reason for this divorce, any judge with half a brain would throw your case out, because even an _idiot _knows how to _open their mouth _and _fucking talk_."

"No they won't," Noctis growled, glaring, "I happen to have a final legitimate reason."

"I'm _dying_ to hear it."

"Our marriage was never consummated. According to Lucii law—"

And that was as far as he got, because the woman across from him snorted, and then burst into hysterics, laughing so hard that tears were starting to stream down her face. It was as if he'd just told her that adamantoises could fly.

"It's not funny!"

"Never…consummated," she wheezed, holding her sides as if they were about to split in half "a_re you fucking kidding me_?"

"This is serious!" Noctis hollered, face reddening. "The old laws specifically state that—"

"Is _that_ what this is all—"

"_Yes_!" Noctis yelled, before quickly realizing what he had just said.

Lightning, who had been ready to fire back at him, relented and just...

...stared at him.

For a very long, very _uncomfortable_ period of time. Then her lips curled into a smirk, and under less mortifying circumstances, Noctis would have found the sight seductive as all hell.

"I see," she said quietly.

He ran a hand through his hair, feeling beads of sweat sliding down his temple. "You've got it all wrong. I mean no, that's _not_ what this is all—I—don't _look _at me like that—what I _meant_ to say was—"

She continued to smile, enjoying every bit of his mortification. "I'm waiting Your Grace."

"It just _proves_ what I've been saying all along; that I'm the only one who cares."

"_Only_ one who _cares_?" she frowned.

"I mean, _why_ are _you_ angry with me? This is what you wanted, right—how is it you _aren't_ unhappy if you don't want to be with—I don't get you at all—do you even find me _remotely_ attractive?"

"Oh, my God…" she said, finally seeming to understand.

"Some days I...it's as if you don't even see me and I'm left wondering if I'm…I don't know…_defective_ or some shit. I can't live like that. It's unhealthy. So I decided...yeah. " He mumbled, staring into his cup.

"I am judging you so hard right now."

The comment made Noctis narrow his eyes at her. "So you _do_ find me attractive?"

"Yes."

"Attractive enough to even want to sleep with me?" he asked testily.

"If I recall correctly _you_ weren't interested on our wedding night."

He wanted the floor to open up and swallow him. "I didn't want you to feel obligated."

"_Obligated_." Lightning snorted.

"I forced you into this, remember? Cocoon—"

"I don't recall having a gun pressed to my temple when I said my vows at the altar."

"I…" Noctis trailed off, at a loss for words, causing her to smile. "What are you saying exactly? That you really _do_…"

Lightning looked at him like he had suddenly sprouted a third eye in the centre of his forehead. "_That's_ why you've been rejecting me all this time?"

"I was being a gentleman!"

"Gentleman, right." Lightning rolled her eyes. Then she stood and began unstrapping her heels, kicking them off as she made her way over.

Noctis jack-knifed to his feet, heart pounding a mile a minute. He didn't want to fight her but if it came to it he knew he wouldn't like the outcome win or lose. What followed instead even he wouldn't have been able to predict.

Then again, Lightning always was known to be the unpredictable element.

She pushed him roughly back into the couch and straddled him, silencing his protests with a kiss. Noctis closed his eyes, all coherent thought leaving him as his entire world narrowed to nothing but the gentle sensation of her lips pressed against his. Pent up longing and desire had him kissing her back; softly, shyly but reassuringly and without hesitation like that fateful summer's day four years ago at the altar. His hands drifted to her waist, anchoring himself to something tangible because he needed to make certain that he wasn't dreaming. When her fingers interlaced in his, he felt his heart soar. There she was and there _he_ was and it was-perfect wasn't enough to describe what he was feeling, for it felt like so much more, mattering to him in a more cosmic sense as if their stars had finally aligned.

It was destiny. This was what destiny felt like; as if the only lips meant for his was hers. Like lock and key the fit of their bodies was undeniable. Just thinking about how the differently the four years could have gone if he _had _given in to his own desire made him want to bang his head against the nearest wall, because it shamefully felt as if they were reacquainting themselves with one another. Like old friends meeting again for the first time. No, not just friends; _lovers_. Separated by archaic societal constructs of 'propriety' and 'convention' and 'rules'; but no longer.

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**Part iii.**

Lightning sat back, tracing her fingers along his hair line before cupping his cheek. Eyes meeting hers he kept it there, feeling the uncertainty that had been chained to his heart ebbing away, at last. But he still needed the closure her clarification could give him.

"So you really…"

She sighed. "Am I really that hard to read?"

"Well," he smiled, feeling shy all of a sudden "what _do_ you like about me then?"

"I used to hate your hair honestly," she admitted, running a hand through the black spikes. "Flat in the front, spiky in the back. It makes me wonder if you just give up halfway with the hair gel. So untidy."

She hummed a tune while he figured out how not to take this information to heart. He'd never heard any complaint from his exes. It made him begin to wonder what other features of his she didn't like. That was the problem with hearing too much praise, he supposed.

"And now?" he asked.

"Now I have something to hold you in place while I do _this…_"

Her fingers gently grasped at the nape of his neck and then she kissed him again, this time stroking his mouth with her tongue, not prying to get in even though he would have relented to her. The contact, light and brief as it was; was still enough to leave him aching. She pulled back and started kissing his neck; a line of arousing, suctioning kisses all the way up to his ear that made his pants begin to feel more than a little snug.

"I love your scent...and cologne," she whispered, warm breath making his skin tingle "it…" her breath caught in her throat, registering his growing erection.

He kept his expression purposefully neutral. "You like the way I smell?"

"It makes me feel safe..."

He frowned. She was a seasoned soldier, unafraid of battle. If she were a tree she'd be like the old oak in the palace gardens where Ignis always found him sleeping under; firm in her beliefs and resolve; unyielding; strong.

Yet here she was, talking about being able to feel safe like it was somehow..._difficult_ for her? It made no sense to him.

It had been this inner strength of hers that had sparked his interest in her; seeing through the pretenses his advisers had thrown up in front of her like a smokescreen and calling them out on it.

_A woman after my own heart_, Gladiolus had said.

Noctis at first had found it annoying. Why couldn't she leave well enough alone? The advisers were at best nuisances: grumpy old men who were hardly worth the effort of wasting your breath on. Being civil was the only way things could get done-Regis had shown him that. The final say would be the king's at the end of the day and he hated her interference because unlike the advisers she could not simply be ignored. Being future queen meant her words had greater weight so he was always dragged into verbal spats that escalated to shouting matches at the drop of a hat the _moment_ he said the wrong thing, turning that anger on him for refusing to pick a side. She was downright impossible but _right_ and he knew deep down it wasn't her he was annoyed with, but _himself_. In the end, Noctis was his own worst enemy for wanting to avoid confrontation.

Time was his silent teacher.

Irritation slowly turned to respect, and respect became admiration. He started hanging around her more often; purposefully scheduling his meetings in the same locations as her assignments so that they could commute together. He'd hypothesized that if he was around her long enough he'd learn her secret and some of that strength would rub off onto him; that he'd be able to emulate her. She was the exact type of leader Lucis needed-no, _deserved_, and he wanted to be like her.

Only, he had only ever been good at being _him_ so he failed that mission horribly. The only success he'd experienced-which _still_ felt like failure on his part- was realizing that he was in love with her, just _months_ ago. Prompto always said he was slow on the uptake and today that statement was so true it might as well have been a universal law. Seeing her now he never would have guessed she could be just as vulnerable, _human_. Her eyes were uncharacteristically downcast, shy, and seemingly embarrassed. Before he'd even realized it he was brushing his knuckles against her cheek and tilting her gaze back to his. He had to be the biggest fucking moron on the planet.

"Why would you not feel safe?" he asked, not a hundred per cent certain he wanted this question to be answered.

"Serah and I moved from foster home to foster home, never once being able to call a place our own. Years of temporary stops makes it hard sometimes to settle, make roots. We never knew when it would be time to move, only that we would have to eventually so the choice of making a place or own was never really ours. When I married you I decided that would change.

I might have come across as difficult for wanting this instead of living in the palace, but there's a very important reason why fought so hard for it and I suppose now is a more important time than any to tell you seeing as we're finally..." she blushed. "Shit. I'm babbling so I'll just-"

"Maybe a little because I _really_ want you right now, " he laughed as she punched him in the arm, and then took her hands into his, squeezing reassuringly "but it's important to you and I do want us to open up to each other, so go ahead."

She nodded but looked quietly around at the house instead.

"Don't leave me hanging now, " Noctis teased, feeling nervous.

"You know, when we got married I didn't need you to love me-I wouldn't care if you did-as long as I had _this. _I've lived in so many houses but never a home, and I wanted that stability for our children. "

The concept of fatherhood intimidated him but even so her words brought a smile to his face.

"You've thought of what it'd be like...with me?" The revelation warmed him to the marrow of his bones.

"That's how safe I feel around you. but it would have been expected of us eventually."

The pieces slowly began to fit.

Strong had been the wrong word to describe her. Lightning was resilient. She wasn't strong because she wanted to be; she was strong because she _needed_ to be. In the wake of the cold deck life had given her she became a fighter, hitting back every curve ball thrown at her; growing wary of the world until she became numb to it, and to a greater extent; cold. But beneath that tough exterior was a _person_ with real fears and insecurities. Her reactions and idiosyncrasies was merely a defense mechanism, a quiet signal of distress for anyone willing to listen, to reach out. After years of disappointment and broken promises the walls came up and she shut everyone out. Including him.

She couldn't rely on anyone but herself, and he hadn't been patient or wise enough to try to understand the why of it. All he had ever known and seen until this point was a sharp-tongued woman who hated him for his inability to keep up with her, to be as strong a her.

_But she hadn't wanted any of that had she?_

All she had really wanted was someone willing to stand by her, behind her, _beside_ her. Someone brave enough to smash through the ice. His embrace tightened, overcome by a sudden protectiveness that had been steadily building in his chest. He was never letting her fight her battles alone. Not anymore.

"Noct?" her eyes were filled with concern.

His thumb stroked her cheek. "I wanted you, you know. I've always wanted you."

"Um yeah I kinda figured," she rolled her eyes, gesturing at them.

"I mean from the beginning."

"Bullshit."

"_Excuse_ me?"

She pinched him in the cheek. " You _rejected_ me on our wedding night and _barely_ even acknowledged me on our wedding day. If not for the mandatory 'you may kiss the bride' I almost would have been tempted to think it had all been some horrible dream."

"It was a matter of pride."

"Pride," she repeated, tone flat.

He shrugged and tried to pull her to him again, but his lips met the back of her hand instead as she covered her mouth, her expression expectant. He let out a sigh.

"Our first meeting was actually meant to be me calling off the wedding. Ignis told me we were exploiting our victory, that we would ignite dissension amongst the Cocoon people for reducing their hero to a trophy wife so I decided it might not be a good idea after all. But then I met you, got to know you a little bit and I..." he tugged her to him and kissed her as gently as she had him, long and slow before pulling back. Actions spoke louder than words, father had always taught him.

Lightning however, seemed to be impervious-for the moment.

"It's the _truth!" _He laughed. "I couldn't stomach the thought of lying awake at night wondering 'what if'. I admit it was selfish of me-I mean, what if Cocoon's heroine was already seeing someone else?"

"There _was_ no one else. You knew that-I'd _told_ you. Yet you refused to believe it."

"I still do."

"Then you're an idiot."

"That didn't stop you from marrying me."

"Surprisingly." Lightning muttered. "You've got one more chance to explain yourself."

Noctis sighed. "I'm no stranger to women-beautiful women at that. I'd taken one look at all the photos of you in the media and I thought 'just another pretty face'. Just another opportunist after my throne, but a minute into our first meeting it was like a switch had suddenly been thrown. You were ready to put the war behind you; ready to do whatever it took to make the truce between our countries work, when the rest the world only wanted collateral-_you-_to guarantee us Cocoon's loyalty.

Your people believed in you and after that first meeting I understood why, and I was _inspired_, I guess. I decided to hold off on telling you about my plan to call it off because my interest was piqued. All of it had to be an act. So I kept postponing the dates-there was no way you could keep up the facade."

"At what point did you get it into your thick skull that I _wasn't_ acting?"

"Your off-handed comment of not being 'pretty' enough; that I should have made it a prerequisite because it was 'too late to back out now, so lets have a look at this initiative you had come up with on the ride over.' All I could do was stare. Standing in front of me was the sexiest, smartest woman in the world and she didn't even _know_ it."

"Sexy." She looked at him cynically.

"There's this strange sense of innocence about you. You're aware of everything else _but_ the effect you have on people, especially us men and the way you carry on, so oblivious to it all, is just..." he tipped her head backward and kissed her neck " incredibly hot. Turns me on.

"You think I'm hot? " Light was genuinely surprised.

"And then some," he mumbled, nuzzling against her skin. She smelt wonderful; drugging. "Especially when you're angry or fresh out of the shower or _both_. It gets hard to think up a comeback sometimes"

"I always did wondered why you never really put up a fight during then," she mused, laughing quietly. "Pervert."

"Hey I'm still a man despite my 'proper' upbringing. But don't worry," he grinned "There's absolutely nothing proper about me in the sack."

"Good." She smiled. And then before he could blink, she pushed herself off the couch and got to her feet. "I've got to check on the oysters. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

"What?" Noctis blanched, following her into the kitchen. "Light, I'm not going anywhere."

"Yes you are," Lightning said, seemingly more interested in peering into a bubbling pot of sea mollusks and poking around with a wooden spoon than listening to him. "You're going to be sleeping in the palace tonight and every other night henceforth."

The palace? Weren't they just making out just now? And baring their souls? He scratched his head, completely lost. Where was a Women's Handbook when you needed one?

"_Why_?"

"Because _I'm divorcing __**you**__, _dick," she replied flatly, setting the lid of the pot back down. "Four years and I've been married to a _complete moron_." She pointed to the door with her spoon. "Now out."

"But-"

"_Out_."

"I love you-"

"Yeah I'm not so sure," she snapped, cutting him off. "Out. I'm taking the house. Cold, unfeeling bitch my ass."

"Light-"

The stony gaze she gave him in response shut him up-briefly.

"_Claire-"_

_"Noctis Lucis Caelum _if you do not leave this house I am going to pour these oysters right on top of your head._"_

His shoulders slumped, defeated. "Fine." He tentatively approached, and kissed her on the cheek. "See you at the hearing I guess."

"Yeah." Her voice was clipped. "See you."

She started chopping onions, muttering to herself as he shuffled dejectedly toward the door. "Cold unfeeling bitch, hmph. You want cold unfeeling bitch? I'll give you cold, unfeeling bitch."

He made sure to steal the divorce papers, though.

* * *

**_-fin-_**


End file.
